Katy Butler’s “The Art of Dying Well”

This was helpful, but there are better out there .

Have you done end-of-life planning? I’m working through the process of getting your affairs in order” with my clients, just as “yep, checked that box” sort of thing. No one is imminently dying, as far as I know. But that’s the thing with being a planner: you don’t actually KNOW when things will happen, so it’s best to know this stuff ahead of time in case you need it.

I’ve read a number of books on this topic, and Katy Butler’s The Art of Dying Well: A Practical Guide to a Good End of Life has messages for both caregivers and for the person who will die. Some messages are easier to read when you imagine yourself as the caregiver, of course, but anything you learn in the course of being a caregiver, you can pivot to use for yourself when the need arises.

Talking about death starts out stilted and hard, but quickly becomes sacred. It’s like imagining a childbirth, all gross with blood and feces. In fact, we usually just edit out a lot of that or groan about TMI when childbirth seems like an abstraction. .But when it’s YOU having a baby, or your spouse, well, you want to know ALL the tricks for avoiding tears on the perineum, how to roll the nipples, what sort of car seat you want to have installed in advance.

Reading about death is much the same. In fact, one quote that stuck with me was “I didn’t choose to be born, and I don’t choose to die.” It’s a contemplation of the limits of our powers. Sometimes we’re just swept along with these great forces and control is an illusion. You can meditate on that for yourself if you wish; it leads to useful places.

This entire book leads to useful places, in my opinion. Knowing when to post a MOLST on the fridge, (or even knowing what a MOLST is—Medical Order for Life-Sustaining Treatment), knowing when NOT to call 911 (and what to do instead): this is useful information for most of us. The book also gives you some language to help interpret what doctors are trying to tell you, which I found helpful. For example, when they say you’re ill, asking what the progression of the disease will look like is more helpful, in some ways, than getting their estimate of how long you’ll live. (The doctors routinely overestimate how long you’ll live, by the way. They may be thinking 3 to 6 months and tell you 6 months because they want you to have hope. Hope is great—but it can screw up planning!)

While this book has a lot to offer in thinking about end-of-life issues, I’m a financial planner, and this book isn’t a clear win for the financial piece of it. I recommend The Art of Dying Well, but for a win on financial planning  read Harry Margolis’ Get Your Ducks In a Row.